blogs suck and this is the only exception

My new job

eggnormous — Sat, 01 Mar 2008 01:24:42 +0000

Recently I started a new “career” *cough my ass* job at Video Ezy. People are just as goddamn stupid wherever you work. For example,

A customer came in to get 2 x new releases ($6.50 each) BUT there is a deal that if you get 2 x new releases it comes to $9.50 instead as a deal. I informed the customer of this and he seemed pleased as someone with a brain would be. He then handed me his ATM card to pay for it. “Unfortunately” the eftpos minimum is $10. He then got angry, slammed the dvds down and said loudly, “Yeah well fuck it I don’t want them then!” and then stormed out. Dumbass. He then came back 10 minutes later with cash and acted very subtly apologetic. Not good enough for me. I returned the favour slamming down his dvds and not saying a word after I put them through the scanner.

I have now given up on working and have made my new years resolution to rely solely on music for an income. Idiots.

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Public toilets

eggnormous — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 10:10:56 +0000

Getting a little sick of people talking inside the bathrooms at work. There’s just no need for it and furthermore, why does it only occur in the bathroom? People don’t just ask you how you’re going while your waiting in a line for food so why should it so frequently occur whilst standing at a urinal?

Instead of replying with the regular fuck you I’ve decided to take a different approach and piss on their shoes. My excuse, not that I need one, is that i felt it was rude not having my body face them whilst answering their request to know how I was going like it mattered.

Also, I’ve found that alot of morons feel the need to answer and talk on their mobile phones while on the john. So whenever I hear this happening I like to run into the stall next to them and instantly start clanging toilet seats, slamming toilet doors and going to town on the flusher just to let the person on the other end of their phone call know that this fucker was filthy enough to not wait until he had done the deeds before conversing.

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Born to bone

eggnormous — Sat, 16 Feb 2008 02:09:39 +0000

I have found possibly the funniest website out there:

Click Link: Born To Roam Wolf Tshirt

Not the actual site is funny, but reading the comments people have posted about the shirt are pure gold:

– “Excellent roaming shirt out in the desert. Gets you great reception for your cell phone as well.”

– “”Born to Bone” is more like it when you wear this fucker around.”

– “Forget modifying your car just buy this shirt. Seriously who’s gonna pass you with a wolf shirt on!!”

-”Thanks to your shirt, I now have 97, count em, 97 venereal diseases from every twat i’ve tapped since I bought your shirt. Even though I’m in a wheelchair and dripping with VD’s, losing all my hair and my penis looks like something out of a sci-fi horror flick, my cum-stained wolf shirt still brings in the pussy.”

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Burnout Paradise: car crashes rule

eggnormous — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 03:12:23 +0000

Car crashes in video games are HILARIOUS. It’s one of those things you can enjoy watching time and time again, still finding it burst-out loud funny, yet when you see it in real life you are mortified.

Nothing is quite funnier than hitting a bigass slow van from behind at high speed to watch the slowmo, high detailed crash. Then for the speed to resume to normal and the van fly off spinning through the air. Nothing I’ve seen so far does it so well as the new Burnout: Paradise on Playstation 3, which i recently played at JB Hi-Fi. Yet, when you see a van flip the fuck out through the air at high speed in real life, you don’t piss yourself out loud. Unless you have serious problems..

And yeah. I used the same car i drew in a post a while ago. Bite me.

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Corey Delaney is a dick.

eggnormous — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 12:52:05 +0000

I’m sick of Corey Delaney being spewed all over the news like he is some kind of celebrity. Corey Dickface can lick my balls while I rip his stupid nipple piercing out of his pussy chest and stomp on his big cheapass sunglasses. I mean who the fuck wears a snow jacket with nothing under it, open chested in summer in Australia? Noone. So then this:

I found evidence from a reliable source (Uncyclopedia) that he isn’t actually a citizen of Australia. He is a citizen of the Bogan’s Republic Of Narre Warren. As you can see, Narre Warren is an independent land abandoned by Australia because it was just simply so shitty.

I got this information from good ol Uncyclopedia seeing as Wikipedia has decided to delete all articles on him. Clearly waiting for myself to write up a proper and accurate, non-bias article no doubt.

UPDATE: Oh sweet sweet candy. This just in.

YouTube – Corey Delaney Getting Bashed

“The bleach-haired, yellow sunglasses-wearing 16-year-old was beaten up in front of a crowd in Melbourne outside Fountain Gate Shopping Centre at Narre Warren on Monday. ” – News.com.au

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Garbage men are vikings

eggnormous — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 00:10:58 +0000

Garbage men are underrated. They have the potential of the most kickass job ever and almost none of them even realise. Being a garbage man isn’t about the money. Its about power. They are given one tool of trade and that’s all they need. The mighty garbage truck. Towering above all other traffic except for other trucks. Difference is they are filled with useless things like asshole’s furniture whereas garbage trucks are filled with awesome trash that can be used to dump on the car driving too close behind it. Unless a garbage man for some reason is driving the furniture truck for a day because then BAM, couch through your fucking windscreen.

Garbage men are modern day vikings. They can take what they want with the mighty mechanical claw that extends from the truck. Bins, cars, women. All is theirs and noone can stop them. Also i swear I’ve seen one wearing a helmet with horns before.

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Tans can bite me.

eggnormous — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 01:49:37 +0000

Fuck you and your tan. I’m sick of this image people have that tanned looks good. Tanned skin just means that it has been over exposed to UV rays. What kind of logic says that the price of looking “good” is possible cancer? And don’t give me that fake tan is safe bullshit. That stuff is just orange coating for your skin. It is clear and obvious when someone uses fake tan and it’s disgusting. Noone thinks oompa loombas are hot.

Even so, if this image that people with a tan are attractive, why stop at “bronzed”? Why not keep going till you have reached ultimate tan? In a world like that, Wesley Snipes would be king. That guy kicks ass.

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Scarface is awesome

eggnormous — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 14:56:08 +0000

Scarface is one of the greatest movies of all time. I’m sitting here watching it right now and I cant get over how awesome it is. Almost everything you could want in a movie is in it:

Cool 80′s music
A chainsaw
Tits
A fucking blimp
Tits
A Cadillac with tiger striped seat upholstery
The pimp slap laid down into Tony’s sister, which was even more awesome because she wasn’t hot
Killed his friend the day after he got married to his sister, that was classic
The black leather with gold pimp throne of a chair that he has
The word “fuck”
Despite being out in 1983, i swear i saw Rob Schneider in it

But, being as awesome as it was having all of that, there were some things that could have been changed:

Got married to a dumb bitch
The inbred moment towards the end with his ugly sister
Ended up getting killed by some smartass with terrible cheap sunnies and a tacky shit green jacket (oh yeah, note: spoiler)
Tony claims he always tells the truth. very unmanly.
The part where he wusses out on killing women and children
He wears a tie in one part

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People are stupid

eggnormous — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 03:21:38 +0000

I work for 3 Mobile selling phones. I deal with bullshit questions and just general lazy, stupid people all day. I find amusement in toying with them.

Today I was explaining to a hambeast of a woman that she would be paying $20 a month for 24 months. She then asked me if I had a calculator. I asked her if this was to calculate $20 by 24 and she said yes… I then told her it was $480. She looked surprised and said, ha ha you must get asked that all the time so I simply replied no, never, I just did the simple maths in my head and death stared her.

I also have made a hobby out of misguiding people who ask for directions. “Hey where is Medicare?” Yeah right lady, like I get paid to do my job and to be a concierge desk. I’ve worked here 12 months now and pretty much know where everything is so I make it my duty to point people in the completely opposite direction. That or if they are bigger than normal assholes, tell them I’ve never heard of the store. Even if it’s something huge like Myer.

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A real man’s car.

eggnormous — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 00:19:30 +0000

A real car is a one that would be so manly it would be deemed unroadworthy because of its awesomeness.

1) The ideal mans car needs to blow enough thick smog out of the exhaust so that the vehicle behind it must stay at least 40 metres away.

2) There would be no back seat because:

A) people who get a lift most probably won’t pay petrol
B) anyone who has sex in the back of cars can’t afford a house or hotel room and therefore shouldn’t breed.

3) There would be a button installed so that on pressing it, a piñata of garbage will dump onto the windscreen of the car behind you or even better, a motorbike. Even an open boat on the back of a trailer would kickass too.

4) It wouldn’t have this shitty new system that has the headlights on all the time for safety, it would have no lights. For stealth.

5) No aerial is a must as radio should be boycotted.

6) Another button that sends out an signal that instantly activates all nearby car alarms.

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